If You Use A Plastic Straw You Are A Coward

Listen people, we’re starting to get annoyed and we’ve decided to call it how it is. If you use a plastic straw, you are a coward. That may hurt your ego a bit, and we know that no one likes to get called names, but frankly we’re living in a time where things are too easy and sometimes you need to get called out on it.

Think about it – your ancestors stalked and hunted gazelle on the Serengeti. Your ancestors crossed oceans in search of new opportunities. Your ancestors fought and defeated fascism. Your ancestors worked hard, raised families, and died so that we could all be here today.

And what are we doing now? We’re too lazy to lift our hand an extra two inches to our mouths, and make a slightly giant O shape with our mouths. And now, because of that we have to use a plastic straw in our drinks to alleviate that tough tough pain.

glasses of tasty beverages with blackberries and mint leaves — Example of drink with straw (left) and same drink without straw (right)

Who Even Thought Plastic Straws Were A Good Idea?

Seriously people?! You can’t just lift your hand a little bit higher and raise your glass to your mouth? Like who even thought a straw was a good investment in the first place? I have an idea for a new invention: It’s a gasoline powered machine that you strap to your table and it lifts the food up for you. Sure, it exudes carbon dioxide into the air and has no real practical purpose, but hey, we’re lazy Americans and I don’t want to have to lift my fork to my mouth!

delicious cocktail with ice cream scoops on blue background — Believe it or not, these drinks taste exactly the same with, or without using a staw.

Your great great grandfather, who woke up at 3am everyday to attend to the family farm would be rolling in his grave. Your amoeba ancestor’s descendants are now the ones who are feeding on the microplastics from when the straws breakdown and your fish’s ancestor’s descendants are eating the amoeba’s and now we eat the fish. So basically, everytime you drink out of a straw you might as well eat the straw after you finish your drink.

through glass of laughing diverse women — Look at how much fun these people are having, and not a single plastic straw in site!

Stop being a coward. Lift that drink slightly higher up to your mouth. Stop using plastic straws. Tell restaurants and bars and other establishments that you don’t need them. They don’t need them either, they’re an additional cost they have to spend for no reason. Let’s put the straw industry out of business and eliminate one more unnecessary pollutant from our planet.

Be sexy, be strong, be cool, and help the environment. If you want to learn more about how you can help the environment, tune in and subscribe to the podcast on Apple or Spotify hosted by Dylan Welch.